Ben Nevis: A Dialogue
There
was
one
Mrs.
Cameron
of
50
years
of
age
and
the
fattest
woman
in
all
Inverness-shire
who
got
up
this
Mountain
some
few
years
ago
--
true
she
had
her
servants
--
but
then
she
had
her
self.
She
ought
to
have
hired
Sisyphus,
--
"Up
the
high
hill
he
heaves
a
huge
round
--
Mrs.
Cameron."
'Tis
said
a
little
conversation
took
place
between
the
mountain
and
the
Lady.
After
taking
a
glass
of
W[h]iskey
as
she
was
tolerably
seated
at
ease
she
thus
began
--
Mrs.
C.
Upon
my
Life
Sir
Nevis
I
am
pique'd
That
I
have
so
far
panted
tugg'd
and
reek'd
To
do
an
honour
to
your
old
bald
pate
And
now
am
sitting
on
you
just
to
bate,
Without
your
paying
me
one
compliment.
Alas
'tis
so
with
all,
when
our
intent
Is
plain,
and
in
the
eye
of
all
Mankind
We
fair
ones
show
a
preference,
too
blind!
You
Gentle
man
immediately
turn
tail
--
O
let
me
then
my
hapless
fate
bewail!
Ungrateful
Baldpate
have
I
not
disdain'd
The
pleasant
Valleys
--
have
I
not
madbrain'd
Deserted
all
my
Pickles
and
preserves
My
China
closet
too
--
with
wretched
Nerves
To
boot
--
say
wretched
ingrate
have
I
not
Le[f]t
my
soft
cushion
chair
and
caudle
pot.
'Tis
true
I
had
no
corns
--
no!
thank
the
fates
My
Shoemaker
was
always
Mr.
Bates.
And
if
not
Mr.
Bates
why
I'm
not
old!
Still
dumb
ungrateful
Nevis
--
still
so
cold!
Here
the
Lady
took
some
more
w[h]iskey
and
was
putting
even
more
to
her
lips
when
she
dashed
[it]
to
the
Ground
for
the
Mountain
began
to
grumble
--
which
continued
for
a
few
minutes
before
he
thus
began,
Ben
Nevis.
What
whining
bit
of
tongue
and
Mouth
thus
dares
Disturb
my
slumber
of
a
thousand
years?
Even
so
long
my
sleep
has
been
secure
--
And
to
be
so
awakened
I'll
not
endure.
Oh
pain
--
for
since
the
Eagle's
earliest
scream
I've
had
a
dam[n]'d
confounded
ugly
dream,
A
Nightmare
sure.
What
Madam
was
it
you?
It
cannot
be!
My
old
eyes
are
not
true!
Red-Crag,
my
Spectacles!
Now
let
me
see!
Good
Heavens
Lady
how
the
gemini
Did
you
get
here?
O
I
shall
split
my
sides!
I
shall
earthquake
-----
Mrs.
C.
Sweet
Nevis
do
not
quake,
for
though
I
love
You[r]
honest
Countenance
all
things
above
Truly
I
should
not
like
to
be
convey'd
So
far
into
your
Bosom
--
gentle
Maid
Loves
not
too
rough
a
treatment
gentle
Sir
--
Pray
thee
be
calm
and
do
not
quake
nor
stir
No
not
a
Stone
or
I
shall
go
in
fits--
Ben
Nevis.
I
must
--
I
shall
--
I
meet
not
such
tid
bits
--
I
meet
not
such
sweet
creatures
every
day
--
By
my
old
night
cap
night
cap
night
and
day
I
must
have
one
sweet
Buss
--
I
must
and
shall:
Red
Crag!
--
What
Madam
can
you
then
repent
Of
all
the
toil
and
vigour
you
have
spent
To
see
Ben
Nevis
and
to
touch
his
nose?
Red
Crag
I
say!
O
I
must
have
them
close!
Red
Crag,
there
lies
beneath
my
farthest
toe
A
vein
of
Sulphur
--
go
dear
Red
Crag,
go--
And
rub
your
flinty
back
against
it
--
budge!
Dear
Madam
I
must
kiss
you,
faith
I
must!
I
must
Embrace
you
with
my
dearest
gust!
Block-head,
d'ye
hear
--
Block-head
I'll
make
her
feel
There
lies
beneath
my
east
leg's
northern
heel
A
cave
of
young
earth
dragons
--
well
my
boy
Go
thither
quick
and
so
complete
my
joy
Take
you
a
bundle
of
the
largest
pines
And
when
the
sun
on
fiercest
Phosphor
shines
Fire
them
and
ram
them
in
the
Dragon's
nest
--
Then
will
the
dragons
fry
and
fizz
their
best
Until
ten
thousand
now
no
bigger
than
Poor
Al[l]igators
--
poor
things
of
one
span
--
Will
each
one
swell
to
twice
ten
times
the
size
Of
northern
whale
--
then
for
the
tender
prize
--
The
moment
then
--
for
then
will
Red
Crag
rub
His
flinty
back
--
and
I
shall
kiss
and
snub
And
press
my
dainty
morsel
to
my
breast.
Block-head
make
haste!
O
Muses
weep
the
rest
--
The
Lady
fainted
and
he
thought
her
dead
So
pulled
the
clouds
again
about
his
head
And
went
to
sleep
again
--
soon
she
was
rous'd
By
her
affrighted
servants
--
next
day
hous'd
Safe
on
the
lowly
ground
she
bless'd
her
fate
That
fainting
fit
was
not
delayed
too
late.
But
what
surprises
me
above
all
is
how
this
Lady
got
down
again.
